Some Thoughts on Gossiping

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

The other day, while reading through the comments on one of my favorite thought leader’s Instagram accounts, I came across a comment that set off my "blehhhhhhh I wish everyone knew this" sensors.

The post itself was fascinating. Simone Seol (@simone.grace.seol) did a "normalize being normal" post and wrote:

“I am wary of having a relationship with myself and the world that is overly therapy-ized and coach-ified. Sometimes, someone is an asshole and that is that, and no, I don’t want to separate out where my projections and traumas are playing into it.”

“Sometimes I gossip and, no, I don’t wanna analyze my need for belonging and work on lovingkindness. I’m petty; that’s the end of it.”

“I don’t want to be therapy-ized and coached to spiritual perfection. I’d like to hold onto my human blemishes, thank you very much. My real friends like me better that way.”

Great stuff. Different angles than I would have picked to do a “normalize being normal” post, but I’m 10/10 aligned with the idea. I recently published a “can we please normalize menty b’s?” musing, and this topic is near and dear to my heart.

However, one of the comments made me want to get on a rooftop and shout a “we’re all built differently!” message into the streets. The commenter wrote, “Thank you! Once I wanted to gossip, and someone was like, ‘I’m not comfortable talking about someone who isn’t in the room with us,’ and I’m like: Great for you! That halo must be heavy.”

First off - solid response. “That halo must be heavy” got a lot of props in the comment section.

But second… this person’s human experience doesn’t mirror my human experience.

I am someone who doesn’t like to gossip. And it’s not because I’m wearing a heavy halo and looking down at the rest of you with “holier than thou” smugness.

Rather, it’s because I’m a tad too self-centered to really get a lot of joy from gossip.

This came up over coffee with three friends a few years ago. One friend (we’ll call her Jill) NEEDED to gossip about another friend (we’ll call her Sally) after Sally left our coffee date.

Sally drives Jill crazy, and Jill needed a release valve moment.

Which the other friend (we’ll call him James) and I happily provided. Release-valve away, Jill. No need to filter or monitor yourself. The three of us are that level of friends. Jill could literally say that she was contemplating sawing Sally’s head off, and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Jill is ride or die. Sally is just someone we sometimes get coffee with.

But here’s where the conversation became interesting. After Jill had her “Sally drives me crazy” release valve moment, she then turned to James and me and insisted we go. “Now your turn,” she said. “Tell me what drives you crazy about Sally.”

And I shrugged. Sally doesn’t really drive me that crazy.

James did the same.

For both of us, coming up with things to gossip about would have required significant effort. There weren’t comments that we were holding back out of politeness. We just didn’t have comments. We did, however, both have the desire to get to the “quiet time” portion of the coffee date so we could putter on our projects.

So, in the way of beautiful friendships, we talked about it. Jill was looking for us to chime in because she felt petty if she was the only one gossiping.

James and I didn’t think she was petty or less than for gossiping. Gossiping just isn’t our thing. And, instead of pretending that it is, we’d rather get onto the thing that is our thing (working on our projects).

What Jill realized in that moment is that she thought that all humans were built the way she was when it came to gossip. She thought that, after an annoying person left the table, EVERYONE had the need to vent about it in order to have a release valve moment.

So, for her entire life, Jill had been walking through the world thinking that James and I had better self-restraint than she did. That we had the same irrepressible need to vent after someone bothered us but that we were “better humans” who didn’t give in to the devil on our shoulder.

In reality, however, James and I just didn’t have that need.

It’s kind of like how there are some people who are asexual. They don’t experience sexual feelings or desires, and it’s not because they’ve willed sexual urges out of their lives. They just came to the planet without sexual urges.

Maybe (I hope this isn’t offensive) there are also some people who are a-gossipy. They simply don’t experience the urge to gossip.

They’re not doing it from a place of smug superiority. The urge just doesn’t exist.

Some people like sweets. Other people never crave them. Some people like to gossip. Other people feel bored by it. Some of us this. Others of us that.

Wishing us all the ability to remember that no two humans are built the same way,

Keely

Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I make a cup of coffee, dance around my house a little bit, then put my fingers on the keyboard and see what comes up.

Some folks find these musings helpful. They say that my willingness to share my unpolished insides helps them feel a little lighter. If you know anyone who might like this musing, please share it freely.