Some Insights into Depression for the Non-Depressed + an Invitation for the Depressed

Photo by Zoe on Unsplash

Because of my history with depression, I'm intimately aware of what it's like to go through the world with nothing in the tank.

Depleted.

Exhausted.

Unmotivated – or, at times, intensely motivated, but unable to maintain the motivation for long enough to actually make progress on my goals.

I know what it’s like to operate at an energy deficit.

To be tired at a bone-deep level but, painfully, to spend my nights tossing and turning instead of sleeping.

To only fall asleep at 4:00 AM and then, when the alarm goes off at 6:00, to think – with no emotion or dramatic outburst, just complete and total exhaustion – “I would rather die than get out of this bed.”

There were times in my DC years when I would walk past homeless people sleeping on the sidewalk while I was on my way to work and think, “Maybe that’s a better fit for me.” I wanted a few more hours of sleep so desperately that I genuinely wondered if homelessness was a viable solution to my problem.

That’s depression. Or at least that was my experience of depression. For me, it was always about energy, not sadness.

The depletion. The empty tank. The feeling of being so very drained that I contemplated death as a way to rest multiple times a day.

As you hopefully know by now, I’m hosting my first series of workshops on overcoming chronic high-functioning depression this month. This dilemma that I just wrote about – that’s the kind of thing that we’re going to be covering.

When you’re depressed, basically everything has a skewed effort/reward ratio.

Yes, the quality of our relationships determines 70% of our overall life satisfaction.

But what do you do when spending time with your friends requires energy that you don’t have? When you’re so exhausted that it is legitimately another chore, not a source of joy? When you can’t authentically make plans because you know that going means you either have to 1) use energy that you don’t have to fake it during the gathering or 2) bog down the whole group with heavy depressed vibes because being around a depressed person who doesn’t have their mask on can be…well, depressing.

Likewise, you probably know that exercising releases feel-good chemicals and, if you did it consistently, it would probably help you.

But how TF do you find the energy to exercise when you’re getting 2 hours of sleep per night and every drop of fuel in your tank goes towards doing the things you need to do to keep your lights on?

Hmm?

HMMM??

Really. These are real questions.

The depression workshop I’m hosting – it’s not going to offer any easy answers.

We’re going to gather in a group because depression likes to keep people isolated and alone, and we’re going to talk about things that are hard. Challenging. Complicated.

And we’re probably going to laugh a lot because morbid humor is the best humor. The best, I tell you.

I have suggestions on some of the questions I posed. I’ll tell you what worked for me. You don’t even have to wait for the workshop to get the answers because I’ll share them now.

You ready?

You learn how to work with cycles. When your depression is full-on, you don’t make plans with friends. You don’t force yourself to exercise.

You rest.

Then, when a little itty bitty tiny spark of energy comes online, when the heaviest part of the cycle lifts, you take intentional and strategic action.

If, for instance, exercise is THE thing that’s most important to keeping your depression at bay, you fan the flame of a consistent exercise routine. You don’t sign up for a marathon + commit to hosting weekly dinner parties at your house + sign up for a huge volunteer obligation + think that you’re going to become Superman or Superwoman because you have to make up for those weeks where you rested.

You pick one small thing. And you treat yourself with kindness and grace while you focus on it.

My workshop won’t be a lot of people’s cup of tea because I won’t sign off on punishing yourself. None of that, “I’m scum and deserve bad things because depression turned me into a lazy piece of junk and yada yada yada.”

I’m going to say over and over and over again, “What if depression is a natural and normal response to an environment that isn’t conducive to human thriving?”

“What if you’re not the issue? What if this isn’t about being lazy or weak or doomed or unlucky?”

“What if it’s not that weird to be exhausted when you’re living through a time of vast and catastrophic system failure?”

And then I’m going to gently nudge you to release beliefs that don’t serve you and replace them with empowering ones instead.

So only sign up if you’re open to the possibility of liking yourself one day. Because I don’t believe in self-loathing and gruesome punishment as a viable path to liberation. If that was going to work, it probably would have by now, dontcha think?

Wishing us all self-compassion,

Keely