Musings on infertility
Do you know how I became someone who publicly writes about infertility?
By accident.
On June 7th, I published a Morning Musing called, “Shopping for Shampoo at the Home Depot” and I used infertility challenges as an analogy.
I wanted to drive home the point that seeking advice, approval, or permission from someone who doesn’t understand your situation is as silly as shopping for shampoo at the Home Depot and, in hopes of making it sticky, I used satire.
“Sam and I want cuddly little bundles of newborn joy,” I wrote. “And it’s not happening easily for us.”
“So do you know what I’m doing? I am actively seeking out heroin-addicted 18-year-olds to ask them what I should do. ‘Pardon me,’ I’ll say while they’re in the depths of withdrawal, ‘But I’m having trouble getting pregnant. What is your opinion on the relative merits of IVF versus adoption versus surrogacy?’”
It was such a ridiculous analogy that it drove my point home perfectly.
Except… only ONE person cared about the point I was trying to make.
Everyone else was captivated by the infertility stuff.
I got comments and emails and messages praising me for my bravery. For my willingness to put myself out there. To publicly share that I was experiencing fertility challenges.
And it felt really, really, REALLY good.
However, prior to receiving those responses…
I didn’t even realize that I was doing something brave.
The idea of being ashamed of infertility is so far from my mind that no bravery is required to talk openly about it.
I’m one half of a couple who wants babies. We tried naturally. No luck. So when the, “hmm maybe we should get some help with this” urge arose… we started seeking help.
Mind you, I’m me, so there was a trip to Ecuador to ask ayahuasca for advice thrown in, but that was the basic unfolding.
Sam and I recognized that we want children. We did the things you do to bring children into the world. We didn’t get the results we wanted. So we tried something different.
Fertility treatments haven’t yet gotten us the result we want, and that’s why I’m writing about it today.
Because, even though I started out writing about infertility accidentally, I’m now going to be writing about it intentionally.
And I wanted to share my why.
First and foremost, I’m doing it because I need it. Writing is my thing. My tool. The thing that helps me explore and understand and transmute and make sense of my world.
And right now, I need help exploring, understanding, transmuting, and making sense of my world. Because this process – it’s adding so much stress to my life. And I want to learn how to dance with that stress instead of feeling like a victim of it.
But that doesn’t explain why I’m writing about it here, does it? Because I can explore and understand and transmute and make sense of my world in a journal. There’s no need to publish it on the Internet.
Except…
My biggest pain point and source of stress at the moment – it’s not what people think. It’s not the day when I find out I’m not pregnant each month. That’s hard, of course, but I have spiritual beliefs that make that day manageable.
Rather, it’s the week or two when I’m pulled from a life I really, really, REALLY love to do annoying stuff. Like race from Shenzhen to Hong Kong at the drop of a hat. Then sit in the clinic’s waiting room. Then get poked and prodded and injected and scanned and ugh…
Some of that stuff – it is what it is. Acceptance is the answer.
But feeling like I’m pulled from a delicious life to a subpar life two weeks of the month? I don’t need to accept that. I can change that.
So this is me trying to do that. If fertility stuff becomes fodder for my writing, if it becomes a topic I muse about and integrate into the business I’m building – well then the pain points aren’t so painful. They’re material. Material that I can transmute and transform and play with.
Because that’s really what this is about: my life… it’s very playful. It’s fun. The things that fill my day most days feel like recess.
So now I’m going to figure out how to make fertility stuff feel like recess. Or at least try. Because learning how to make annoying stuff fun – that sounds like an excellent skill to develop before becoming a parent, huh?
Consider this your heads up that this may temporarily become an infertility blog. Or not. It’s hard to predict in advance what will be most fun to write about each morning.
Keely
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Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I make a cup of coffee, dance around my house a little bit, then put my fingers on the keyboard and see what comes up.
Some folks find these musings helpful. If you know anyone who might like this musing, please share it freely.
I’m here for it! I enjoy reading all of the different things you write about.