Mentally Ill-ish and Mentally Well-ish Relationship Dynamics
Can we take a moment to talk about something really, really important that I haven’t seen talked about anywhere else?
It’s about the relationship dynamics between one person who’s mentally well-ish and one person who’s mentally ill-ish.*
When you are the mentally well-ish parent, partner, or best friend of someone who is mentally ill-ish, this statement tends to be true:
Before your mentally ill-ish loved one begins accumulating wins, it can be really, really hard to trust their instincts about what will work for them.
However…
Before your mentally ill-ish loved one has the support to trust their instincts about what will work for them, it can be really, really hard for them to accumulate any wins.
Are those two statements clear? Sometimes it’s hard for me to accurately convey an idea, so I’m going to shift into storytelling mode to make sure that I’ve communicated what I want to communicate.
Two of my primary relationships match this dynamic. During the years that I struggled with addiction and depression, my Mom was mentally well-ish and I was mentally ill-ish.
Then, in the years after I sorted out the addiction but still struggled with depression (we met after I got sober), Sam was mentally well-ish and I was mentally ill-ish.
In each circumstance, I had clear insights into what would help me. My inner guidance system was alive and kicking… and it reliably suggested unconventional treatments.
If I had been proposing things like, “You know, I think what will REALLY help me is going to a therapist once a week,” it would have been oh-so-easy for my mom or Sam to get on board.
But instead, what my inner guidance suggested were things like, “You know, I think what will REALLY help me is moving to Thailand.”
And that’s terrifying for the partner and parent of someone who’s mentally ill-ish. “Let me get this straight: you’re a depressed person with a history of addiction and you’re telling me you want to move to a country where you don’t know anyone because you think that will help you get better?”
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
And, in the years before I started accumulating wins, it usually meant that I suppressed my inner guidance. I wasn’t exactly winning at the game of life, so it was easy to believe that other people knew better.
Then something miraculous happened.
I met a psychiatrist who practiced root cause resolution instead of symptom suppression, and he challenged that tendency.
“What I hear you saying, Keely,” he said, “Is that you reliably buy yourself a 3-12 month reprieve from depression when you start a new adventure. So… why don’t you do the thing that you know works and just live an adventurous life?”
“Because everyone says I’m not allowed,” I responded. “If I have to keep doing new and exciting things just to feel alright, then I’m running from my problem. That’s what everyone tells me. They call it ‘pulling a geographic.’”
Then he challenged me again, “But are you hurting anyone when you do this? You’re an adult who pays your own bills, right? And what you want to do is try living abroad? And you could remain solvent while doing this?”
I confirmed that he had it right.
Then he just looked at me. His expression read, “So you feel relatively certain that this thing will work for you, but you’re too scared to try it?”
I moved to Thailand less than a month later.
And I’ve never struggled with chronic depression again.
These days, my instincts don’t scare Sam. They don’t scare my Mom. They don’t scare me.
I’ve accumulated enough wins that we all know how to trust them.
But if it hadn’t been for Dr. Advani, would I have ever accumulated the first win? If I didn’t have support in trusting my instincts, would I have ever knocked over the first domino?
I’ll never know.
Thanks, Dr. Advani, for helping me clear the first hurdle.
And thanks hubby, Earl and me for being willing to gamble on my instincts even when it was flat-out terrifying.
Love,
Keely
*The “ish” in mentally well-ish and mentally ill-ish is because this all exists on a spectrum. Nothing about this is black-and-white; we’re firmly in shades of gray territory.
An ask for help: This is a theme I want to play with more. The next thing I address will probably be “How can you tell if something is inner guidance versus a self-destructive urge or maladaptive coping mechanism?” If there are any other pieces I should address, please send suggestions.