Conditional Neatness (Dandelions and Orchids Continued)
My friends Gyula and Sneh* know me to be an impeccably neat and tidy person, which is hilarious because no one else in the world knows me to be that way.
No one else, including my husband.
But Sneh and Gyula – boy, are they impressed with how neat and tidy I am.
They said so every time they came into my home when we were neighbors. "Wow, Keely," Sneh would say, "How is this even possible? Every time I come into your home, it looks like I'm stepping into a magazine. There's never a single thing out of place."
What made this interesting is that Sneh, Gyula, and I had the kind of neighborly relationship that seems to be disappearing from modern society. Multiple times a day, we would pop over to each other's place without announcing ourselves. No calls or texts, just walking in.
So I wasn't putting on a show for them. There wasn't a "hey, we're coming over in 15 minutes" text followed by a mad scramble to make my home look magazine-perfect.
There was just a magazine-level clean home every hour of the day. My place in Thailand (where we were neighbors for 4 months in 2021) was, without fail, immaculate.
And why am I writing about it? Because, more than any other topic I've mused about, people in my life seem to be fascinated with the Dandelion Orchid Hypothesis – the idea that some humans are built like dandelions, blessed with hearty "I can grow through a crack in the sidewalk just as easily as I can grow in a perfectly fertilized yard" level resilience, while others are more like orchids – capable of blossoming beautifully in the right conditions, but oh-so sensitive to their environments that they'll wither if even one environmental factor is off.
And this "Sneh and Gyula know me to be impeccably neat and tidy" thing – it's a way to discuss the Dandelion Orchid Hypothesis outside of the normal well-being context.
Here's what happens to be true about me when it comes to maintaining a tidy home: if I can keep my house neat and clean with minimal effort, I will live in a flawlessly tidy home. If keeping my home neat and clean requires hours per day of effort, I will live in a messy home.
I like living in a tidy home. I like having a clutter-free, "I'm proud to welcome guests to my sanctuary" space. It is 100% my preference.
But... it doesn't matter enough to me to devote hours upon hours of my life to it. It's important, but not THAT important.
Therefore, I am a conditionally neat person: when the conditions are right, I'm neat. When the conditions are wrong, I'm not neat.
I have far more friends who are neat regardless of the circumstances. It doesn't matter if they have to spend half their day cleaning, they will – no matter what – live in a tidy home. It's that important to them.
Do you see where this is going?
Well-being works the same way. Some of us thrive when the conditions are right. Others of us thrive regardless of the conditions.
What's a little bit glitchy, however, is that we happen to be alive during a time in history when there's not a lot of acknowledging the role of our environment.
There's not a nuanced understanding of, "Okay, I get it. Keely is someone who is neat in certain circumstances and messy in others."
Instead, there's this incorrect leap to, "Keely has proven that she can be neat, so when she's not being neat, she's just being lazy."
But do you know what I think the wiser approach is? Saying, "Keely, I've heard you say that you're neat in some circumstances and messy in others."
"Can you give me some more details? What circumstances make it easy for you to be neat? What circumstances make it challenging? Do you have ideas for ways to create the circumstances that work for you?"
Then... wait for your mind to be blown... do those things!
If someone knows they're neat if x, y, and z are true, then maybe the best use of their time, energy, and effort is making x, y, and z true – not trying to turn themselves into something they're not and beating themselves up when they fail. (In my case, it's all about the storage space to stuff ratio – everything I own needs to have a home or I'm doomed. And, if we're being honest, I may need to live in a country where you send out your laundry instead of doing it yourself.)
Do you see how this can be applied to a well-being context? If you are someone who has lived experience of thriving in certain chapters of life but floundering in others, what if you asked yourself, "Self, I've heard you say that you thrive in some circumstances but flounder in others. Can you give me some more details? What circumstances make it easy for you to thrive? What circumstances make it challenging?"
You're allowed to require certain things to be true to be the happiest, healthy, most fulfilled version of yourself.
Your sometimes neat, frequently messy, but always happy to sign a permission slip friend,
Keely
* Gyula - did you notice that I put your name first?!