#255: On Rest
“How is this possible?” I wondered, my mind and body melting further into my cushion.
“How can this feel THIS good?”
Then I stopped caring and surrendered fully to the deep exhaustion that was overtaking my body.
I was in an ayahuasca ceremony in Ecuador, partway through my “calling of the soul” retreat, where I used shamanic rituals and plant medicines to let Winnie know that Sam and I were ready—that we’d like to please welcome her radiant soul to Earth.
And the experience, like all plant medicine ceremonies to date, was blowing my mind.
Knowings, insights, healings, puzzle pieces… all landing, left and right.
But this particular part of the ceremony? This one I didn’t expect.
Because, as a key part of the ceremony, I connected to the exquisite pleasure of…
Exhaustion.
Which didn’t quite make sense to me. I don’t know about you, but I don’t typically associate exhaustion with pleasure. I associate it with something being off. Something being not quite right.
But the message in that ceremony was clear: exhaustion—for this particular bundle of nature and nurture called “Keely”—has the potential to be a thing of beauty.
However… (of course there’s a however)
The pleasure linked to my exhaustion, to my bone-deep weariness…
Was equally linked to rest.
Simply being exhausted wasn’t the pleasurable part.
Being exhausted and able to do something about it was.
Which makes sense, since shamanism (and the shamanic sessions that I offer) is all about personal empowerment.
And right now, almost five months postpartum and one month out from a fulfilling but deeply depleting around-the-world trip with an infant…
I’m feeling rather exhausted. But I’m missing the personal power piece—the piece where my exhaustion feels glorious because I respond to it by melting into my cushion.
And there are tactical obstacles, like the reality of being 1) a breastfeeding mom who gets 2.5 hours between one feeding ending and the next starting and 2) someone who tends to take a long time to fall asleep (napping when Winnie naps doesn’t often work for me, because by the time I finally fall asleep, she’s awake again), but they’re solvable.
What I want to attune to…
What I want to connect to…
Is the reminder from my ceremony that exhaustion followed by rest can be a thing of beauty.
Because I’m built in a way where I prefer the vibrant, vital, high-energy, overflowing-with-effervescence, wildly-lit-up seasons of life.
But expecting that right now feels like a surefire way to increase my suffering. And I’m not into suffering.
So now I’m off to do a shamanic journey (a type of meditation where you use rhythmic drumming to enter a trance state) to remember what I already know—
That exhaustion followed by rest is a glorious thing.
In tiredness,
Keely
Morning Musings is a delight-first writing practice where I wake up, put my fingers on the keyboard and see if any ideas want to play. The cherished humans who read these musings tend to see them as an invitation to slow down, have a virtual cup of coffee together, and contemplate the human experience. If you’d like to join our tribe, subscribe below.